Late night stuff

It is past midnight, and the wind is a little heavier than usual. I am good at keeping people off my mind throughout the daytime. I don’t think about anybody during the day. It is usually these wee hours of the night which makes me crawl back to the most forgotten people and memories. Anyone and anything find their way to me in this pro-solitude atmosphere.

As the night passes on, the paradox of being more alone in such a crowded city makes me feel uncomfortable. My brain calculates the number of genuine friends I have. I know it is stupid, but I don’t know, it is the kind of involuntary thing that just kicks in whenever I think about my compact room in this colossal city. I am not this vulnerable when the sun is up.

On any normal day, I would have turned on the music and would have transcended in an alternate reality, which would have eventually glided me in the world of dreams. But since I lost my phone today, I am not having that option, and hence, I have to hear this constant chaos in my head. I am bound to address every problem that’s going on in my life - on the physical, emotional, and spiritual level. A kind of nearly funny situation when you want to sleep, but you can’t.

Trying to sleep constantly and it is letting me think more weird things. Weird things like - that how uptight we remain during our entire day. We plan, calculate, and execute every step. We act like we have all the control of not only our lives but also the partial control of lives that are connected to us. And then in a blink, as we tumble to sleep, we lose all sense of our being. We don’t even know who we are anymore. We sleep and we roam in oblivion, refuting any logical sign of our living self.

Is being alive the same? One rift between inhaling/exhaling and perhaps we would forget who we were. As if the entire life is a big long dream.

I was just thinking about dreams and my brain started playing the worst nightmares in my head. I could feel them as a much happened visual memory. I have no option but to turn the lights on, only to make my sleep process more difficult. We laugh on these fears during the daytime and they stand there, staring at us only to pound us past midnight.

I have a blind friend who never had nightmares. Perhaps because his mind never catches the visual stigmas necessary for dreams to be created.

I can see a few stars from the swaying window drape. Stars somehow always make me feel home. I don’t know why or how? Watching them standing there soothes me. Maybe it is a distant memory of stars which relaxes me more than stars themselves. A memory of when I stared at them in the vicinity of the safest place in a baby girl’s brain - the family. Or maybe, a more distant prehistoric memory, when everything was practically stardust and what I see from here is a part of me outside there.

The night is slowly passing by. And these half-baked manifestations of my reminiscence will shape up in a quick story someday. Till then, good night. Hope you are having a nice one :)